Are you really listening or just waiting for your turn to speak?

Are you really listening, or just waiting for your turn to speak?

A conversation has three parts; listening, speaking…and thinking. 

Both parties contribute.  A conversation is like a legal contract, where both parties must exchange ‘consideration of significant value’. It should also be fair. But do you ever find yourself just waiting to add your thoughts?

This is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens through excitement, passion and concern. It can be fun, reveal engagement, but it can also be dismissive and threatening. Have you watched any political conversations lately? Not trying to single out any particular world leader, but they are one-way with little consideration for the other party.

When we engage in important conversations we are pre-loaded with points we want to make. Statistics, case studies, quotes, anecdotes and projected outcomes. We are focused on our arguments and are waiting for the perfect moment to make our point. But what about the points being made by the other party? Do they even matter and have you thought about them before responding?

It takes practice. It is a skill. It is valuable beyond belief, bringing better results, harmony, value and reputation. As a specialist Child Interviewer Detective I was taught different techniques to those I used on offenders. It was recorded on video,  in real time, to reduce the time spent typing a statement. With my key questions written down I knew I wouldn’t forget, but it also allowed me to write down their answers without waiting on the transcript. 

“I’m going to make a note of what you tell me, just so I don’t forget. Don’t think I’m not paying attention, what you have to tell me is very important, and I want to get this right. Is that OK?” 

That allows me to concentrate on listening, knowing that I wont forget my important questions, but really listen to the other person. When I workshop conversation management for the commercial world, we practice with suspect-witness interviews. Time and time again I see ‘detectives’ only looking for the specific answers they want. They ignore the answers, and on so many occasions will argue what was said, insisting that what they actually heard was correct. I have recorded these conversations and replayed them to the amazement of participants who swore blind they heard something else. They move away from fact finding and equal consideration.

Have your conversations ever ended up as an interrogation?